(no subject)

[sour_idealist]

Title: And Quite a Story to Tell
Fandom: Homestuck
Characters/Pairings: Dave/Jade, Rose, Kanaya, Karkat, Equius, Eridan [background Rose/Kanaya, Aradia/Equius]
Rating/Warnings: PG-13, discussions of sex, pesterlog-fic
Written for: digi_dragon's request, for a really ill-advised meme I did on Tumblr
Wordcount: 3,000
A/N: For the record, this takes place several years after the events of canon. Also, given how frankly torturous LJ was the last time I tried to post anything, screw it, I'm not coloring the text. Unapologetic fluff, as a break from a number of depressing WIPs that I swear will see the light of day at some point.

gardenGnostic [GG] opened memo on linear timeline board Notes On the Metaphorical Fridge.

GG: okay everyone we have a problem!!!
GG: the air filtration system i set up in the mansion isnt working anymore :(
CA: wwho the fuck cares
GG: well breathing is nice!!! we don’t all have gills you know >:(
GG: and you cant stay underwater all the time
TG: fuck off eridan
TG: but jade i dont know if you noticed
TG: were still breathing
EB: yeah, why do we even need that thing?
TT: It’s a safeguard.
TT: You recall the incident with the coal pollution earlier this year?
TT: We would have had a much more difficult time without Jade’s clever system in place.
GG: thanks rose!!!
GG: but it isnt that clever i guess
GG: im trying to figure out what happened but i think we might need new parts for it
GG: but i’ll fix it as fast as i can!!!!
GA: I Am Sure You Will
GA: But There Is No Need To Rush Too Much
GA: The Air Is Fine At Present And Will Likely Remain So
TG: now youve done it

--------

tentacleTherapist [TT] opened memo on linear timeline board Notes On the Metaphorical Fridge.

TT: Everyone, I have news regarding the explosion earlier.
TT: It seems we may owe Eridan an apology. He had nothing to do with it.
CA: i glubbin told you
GA: You Must Admit It Was A Safe Bet
CA: fuck

caligulasAquarium has signed out.

GA: Oh Dear
TT: I really don’t care about upsetting him on that topic.
TT: However, back to the matter at hand.
TT: There has evidently been some damage to the airborne-waste treatment pipes of the factory down the block.
TG: so
CG: SHE’S GETTING TO THAT, DIPSHIT.
TT: That is not helpful, Karkat.
TT: None of the chemicals being released are, technically speaking, harmful, so fixing it is a relatively low priority.
TT: Unfortunately, one of them does function as a fairly strong aphrodisiac to certain species, which are quite likely to include present company.
TG: are you fucking kidding me
EB: wait, what does that mean?
TG: an aphrodisiac is a thing that turns you on like fuck
TG: so were all gonna be walking around hard as a fucking rock all the time
TG: those of us who have dicks anyway
TT: Thank you for that delightfully graphic explanation, Dave.
TT: Although it is fairly accurate.
TT: All of us are most likely to be artificially aroused.
TT: We’ll probably begin feeling the effects within the next few hours.
EB: ……………………
CT: D - - > Fiddlesticks.
TG: when the fuck did you get here
CT: D - - > Just now.
CT: D -- > This will be difficult.
TT: And probably rather less pleasant than one would think.
TT: Everyone, please behave responsibly.
TT: Do nothing that you will regret when this wears off.
TT: Do not take advantage of the situation, either.
TT: This means you, Eridan, if you’ve signed back in yet.
CA: oh for mother glubbin fucks glubbing sake
GA: You Cannot Possibly Protest That That Was An Unjust Accusation
CA: come on kan
CA: cant catch a fuckin break for five minutes
GA: I Wonder Why
GA: Certainly We Have No Reason To Believe Less Than The Best Of You
CA: okay whatever
EB: okay, back on topic!
EB: so nobody do anything with anyone that you’re not already in a relationship with!
EB: or filling a quadrant with!
EB: this is an order as your friendleader!
CG: COSIGNED.
CG: AND DON’T START ANY NEW RELATIONSHIPS EITHER, FUCKWITS.
CG: UNLESS YOU’RE REALLY, REALLY CERTAIN.
CG: ANYONE WHO ASKS ME HOW TO GET OUT OF SOMETHING AFTER THE SEX POLLUTION GOES AWAY IS GETTING A PREEMPTIVE ORDER TO FUCK RIGHT OFF.
TT: Yes, thank you, Karkat, I believe that we have all grasped the point.
GA: Although His Advice Is Sound
GG: so um!!!
GG: do we know what caused this explosion?!?!
TT: Hello, Jade.
TT: Evidently an unidentified airborne object struck a particularly complicated bit of piping, cracking it, and somehow ignited some of the escaping gas.
TT: I’m not clear on the details.
CT: D - - > Was it by any chance a circular metal container about a foot across
CT: D -- > Propelled by rocketry and theoretically possible to steer by remote control
GG: equius!!!!
CT: D - - > But somewhat difficult to maneuver in practice
GG: stop talking!!!!!
TG: ………........
TT: Equius, do you by any chance know something you would like to share with the rest of us?
CT: D -- > Er
CT: D --> I have just been instructed to stop talking
GA: I Suggest You Do That
GA: In The Name Of Plausible Deniability
CG: YOU TWO ARE NOT ALLOWED ON THE ROOF ANYMORE.
EB: will that help?
GG: well……..
GG: we were flying it from the roof so :(
GG: but we were being careful!!!!!
CG: CLEARLY NOT CAREFUL ENOUGH.
CG: STAY OFF THE ROOF.
CG: ALSO NO MORE ROCKETS.
EB: cosigned!
EB: at least to the rockets.
EB: we’ll have to discuss the roof thing but go with it for now.
GG: :p
GG: fine
CT: D -- > We will comply with this restriction.
CT: D -- > And the restrictions on quadrants
TG: big sacrifice
TG: aradias banging the shit out of you all the time
CT: D -- > Please refrain from such 100d remarks about my matespirit
TG: whatever whatever
GG: can it okay guys!!!!!!
GG: but yeah we’ll stay off the roof
GG: D:
TT: Excellent.
TT: Hopefully we can all get through this inconvenience without anything else dramatic happening.

--------

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [TG] at 15:23

TG: hey harley
GG: hey coolkid!!!!!!
GG: hows it going?!
TG: decent i guess
TG: what about you
GG: still working on the filtration system
TG: still not running
GG: no :(
GG: im sorry
TG: oh yeah it is totally your fault you cant pull parts out of that cute little ass
TG: fuck
TG: pretend that last phrase didnt happen
TG: didnt mean to say it
GG: hee its okay!!!
GG: its so weird the way this stuff makes you look at things
GG: the other day i realized i was checking out equius
GG: so awkward!!!!
TG: ha thats great
TG: kinda figured you would be anyway though
GG: dave!!!! no!!!!
GG: hes very nice but not my type
GG: and also aradia would be really sad and nepeta would be really angry
GG: and just..........
GG: no
GG: so weird!!!!!
TG: okay okay
TG: point made
TG: so this whole thing is distracting for you too
GG: well of course!!!!!!!!
GG: it is really starting to piss me off >:[
GG: i need to be able to focus on the damn filtration system
GG: and its tricky!!!!! suddenly thinking about sex instead of gears is not helpful
GG: and also i feel like if im spending this much time being turned on and staring at engines then im going to imprint or something :/
TG: haha yeah
TG: i feel you
TG: hang up some pinup posters or something
TG: so its like something normal is making you horny
TG: wow this is a weird conversation
GG: haha yeah!!!!
GG: does this count as ironic? ;)
GG: but the thing is i dont want to make it any harder to focus and i dont want to end up just sitting there drooling
TG: yeah
TG: seriously i am just going to go kick some managers ass or something
TG: fix your fucking factory
GG: heehee i’ll help!!!!
GG: although i guess i dont really have the right to be mad since its sort of my fault :(
GG: but its just so frustrating
GG: i cant even sit comfortably or anything!!!!! >:[
TG: oh god you too
TG: same
GG: yeah!!!!!!!!
GG: ill just be halfway through replacing a circuit and then suddenly i realize im like humping my own leg
TG: ................................
GG: oh oops
GG: sorry
GG: too much information :(
TG: yeah a little
TG: uh
TG: its really that bad?
GG: well..................
GG: it is a filtration system dave
GG: and im working right next to the intake
GG: and i have to turn it on a lot to try and work out whats going on
TG: oh
TG: okay i see
GG: yeah :/
GG: so yes its really that bad
GG: dave?
TG: oh sorry i was just thinking
TG: uh
TG: like
TG: if you want i could
TG: give you a hand with that
GG: what the filtration system?
GG: um thank you but i dont think you know much about mechanics really so!!!!
TG: no the uh
TG: other thing
GG: what???
GG: oh
TG: yeah
TG: hand mouth whatever
TG: full set of anatomy at your disposal
TG: it doesnt have to be a big deal or anything
TG: just you know to make it easier to focus afterwards maybe
TG: i guess
TG: if you want
GG: um......................
GG: well
GG: dave
GG: i appreciate the offer
GG: but i dont really want to have sex with you just because its convenient!!!!
GG: like i get that you just meant to be nice
GG: but i am not a sex toy
GG: and you arent either
GG: and there is nothing wrong with casual sex but its not like were strangers
GG: and if i am going to have sex with you then i would really prefer that it was for more of a reason than that were both horny and were there!!!!!!
GG: like say that we actually liked each other like that
TG: shit
TG: look
GG: no dave its okay i am not mad
GG: like i said i know you just wanted to help
GG: but i just
GG: i have actually thought about this a lot since this started happening
TG: wait thought about this meaning what exactly
TG: like just taking the edge off with one of us
TG: or like
TG: me
GG: well :/
GG: that is a really awkward question
GG: i knew there was a pretty good chance that you would help me out if i went to you
GG: but i decided even before this that i didnt want to ruin things
GG: and that i would want it to mean something
GG: if it happened
GG: and i knew it wouldnt mean anything for you so
TG: what back up here
TG: do you mean that it would mean something for you
GG: .................
GG: um
GG: well :/
TG: jade
GG: its okay though i know you dont feel the same way
GG: and i know you were only trying to help!!!!!!!!!!!
GG: and i am sorry but i think i need to end this conversation now before i say anything |else| that i will regret saying!!! GG: so i will talk to you later
TG: jade wait

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gardenGnostic[GG]

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic[GG]

TG: dont sign off
TG: fuck fuck fuck
TG: why do i ever talk

--------

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 19:46

TG: so
TG: hey
GG: hey!!!!!
GG: whats up???
TG: not much
TG: just the usual i guess
TG: hiding out in kanayas room
GG: why????
TG: because its her fault i cant stay in mine
GG: why cant you stay in yours???
TG: jade do you remember where my room is
GG: oh!!!!!!!!!!
GG: yeah............
GG: that might be a little awkward!!!!!!
TG: you are so lucky not to know anything about your brothers sex life
TG: i swear to god
GG: hee yeah i am pretty glad about that!
GG: so
GG: yeah
TG: yeah
TG: so uh about earlier
GG: dave i really do not want to talk about that!!! :/
GG: cant we just talk like normal???
TG: sure
TG: definitely
TG: normal as tripping over somebodys shit in in the dark every goddamn night
GG: oooh very cool dave!!!! ;)
TG: did i say i was the one tripping on shit
TG: no
TG: maybe i can hear vantas losing his shit over whatever spiderbitch left lying around
TG: huh
GG: hee if you say so!!!
TG: but uh yeah anyway
TG: i actually wanted to show you something
GG: oooo what????
TG: its a song
GG: :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
TG: hey hey hey dont get too excited
TG: its just a song
GG: exactly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TG: okay whatever
TG: one sec lemme find the right version
TG: okay here we go
turntechGodhead [TG] sent gardenGnostic [GG] file “js-34-renderfuckyou.mp3”
TG: sorry bout the file name
TG: whatever upgrade sollux did means i cant change it without scrabbling everything
TG: so yeah
TG: are you listening to it
GG: yes!!!
GG: dave
GG: this is really beautiful
GG: i mean |really|
TG: aw shit Harley youre gonna make me blush
TG: but uh
TG: yeah
GG: it sounds like it was really tricky to make too!!!!
TG: eh
TG: been working on it for a while
GG: how long??
TG: three or four months i guess
GG: oh wow
TG: maybe idk
TG: i wanted to get it right
TG: dont quite have it yet but i
TG: thought it would be good to show it to you today
GG: im really glad you did :D
GG: i love it!!!!!!!!!
TG: good
TG: :)
GG: so does it have a name???
TG: yeah i guess
TG: been having some trouble with that actually
TG: tried a bunch of different ones
TG: i think i sort of accidentally named it anyway
TG: which what the fuck even
TG: but yeah that happened
TG: so i should probably go with that
GG: okay so come on what is it???
TG: Jade
GG: yeah im here
GG: did i say something wrong?
TG: no
TG: no you didnt say anything wrong
TG: and no im not just saying your name
TG: like
TG: thats what the name of the song is
TG: its “Jade”
GG: wait
GG: like
GG: me????
TG: no its an ode to a kind of rock
GG: oh
GG: :/
TG: jesus christ Harley
GG: i dont think i like this conversation mister!!!!!
GG: i cant tell which parts of this conversation are you being ironic and which aren’t
GG: you dont usually joke like this!!!!!
GG: why are you doing it now?!?!?!
TG: fucking hell jade im not joking
TG: the thing about the rock was sarcasm
TG: thats it
TG: congratulations its some fucking sincerity for once
TG: didnt even have to get me drunk for it
TG: because apparently im secretly a total idiot
GG: okay stop that!!!!!
GG: thank you dave
TG: for what
GG: um
GG: everything
GG: for telling me the truth
GG: for the song
GG: just
GG: did you really write this for me????
TG: jesus fuck harley take a goddamned hint
TG: duh
GG: what if i just want to hear you say it???
TG: then typing it would do jack shit wouldnt it
GG: okay so ill come talk to you then!!!!
GG: also i kind of want to thank you in person
TG: oh for fucks sake you dont need to thank me
GG: maybe i want to!!!!
GG: i really love the song dave
GG: like i really really do
GG: i would anyway but if it’s really about me then
GG: wow!!!!!!!
GG: okay now im headed upstairs to find you
TG: kay great
TG: uh
TG: you know everyone is going to assume were banging right
GG: dave
GG: i do not give a fuck what any of them think right now
GG: besides
GG: since
GG: i mean i assume this means you dont think of me as just a friend after all
TG: no shit
TG: i mean yeah i totally spend months writing love songs for all my regular bros here
GG: o_O!!!!
GG: okay so ill be there in a second
GG: <3

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG]

--------

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] at 09:26

GA: Dave
GA: I Cannot Believe I Am About To Ask This
GA: But
GA: With Apologies If I Am Incorrect
GA: Did You Have Sex In My Bed Last Night
TG: fuck off
TG: you were banging my sister through the wall and telling the whole street about it
GA: Yes But Dammit There Is A Roof
GA: There Are A Number Of Alleyways
GA: You Have Options Besides Someone Elses Bed
GA: Is The Point
TG: well you had options besides right next to my bedroom
GA: My Girlfriends Bedroom Is A Perfectly Acceptable Place To Have Sex
GA: Dear God Why Is This A Conversation I Am Having
TG: dont ask me you started it
TG: besides it was her idea

gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 09:32

GG: gee thanks for throwing me under the bus!!!!!
GG: so chivalrous dave!!! :p
TG: sorry
TG: but rose will call her girlfriend off for you so
GG: hee
GG: fair enough
GG: okay so i have to go pick up the damn extra parts!!!!!
TG: score excellent
TG: can you carry them
GG: theyre the size of a dinner plate dave!!
GG: and theres only three of them
TG: oh okay then
GG: so anyway ill be back after lunch
GG: love you!!!!
TG: same
GG: oh same real romantic there dave ;)
TG: hey i fucking serenaded you okay
TG: thats romantic as shit
GG: sure whatever romeo
GG: soooooo romantic :p
TG: no way romeo was a dick
TG: only even met juliet cause he was stalking some other chick
TG: and then he was like welp no shes hotter
GG: really?!?! well not romeo then!!!
TG: yup really
TG: but anyway fine whatever
TG: <3
TG: if its such a big deal
GG: oooo i feel doubly special now!!! ;)
TG: good
TG: so yeah
GG: <3
GG: see you later!!!!

Comments

[digi-dragon.livejournal.com]

kadshkghfviawjviwejijie

i fucking serenaded you okay

OH MY GOD EM

EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS IS WONDERFUL

JADE AND EQUIUS BEING FRIENDS WHO BREAK THINGS, ERIDAN GETTING BLAMED, COSIGNED, KANAYA IN GENERAL, DAVE LOSING HIS SHIT, POOR KANAYA LOSING HER ROOM TO SEX, DAVE WRITING JADE A LOVE SONG OH MY GOD DFJIHVIWEAHGNIWEAG

and then dave was a literary nerd too and sent her a heart

basically i love you and always will okay

[sour-idealist.livejournal.com]

:D :D :D :D :D :D

EEK THANK YOU SO MUCH

(Jade and Equius being friends who cause explosions is all you okay, also was there any way I wasn't going to mock Eridan Ampora NO THERE WAS NOT, also Kanaya has not slept in that bed for a week anyway, also EE SPECIFIC BITS ILU)

also he put so much damn work into that song okay (thirty-four versions ain't kidding around) I AM SURE IT IS A COMMON TROPE BUT MUSIC IS HOW HE TELLS PEOPLE THE THINGS THAT HE CAN'T SAY. So. Instrumental love songs.

also eeee I was worried the ending was padding but I had so much fun writing it, and it's him trusting her and her teasing him and what they'll be like as a couple and spoiler alert, he wanted an excuse to send her that heart so badly.

So uh I am overinvested in this couple, THANK YOU FOR ENCOURAGING IT THANK YOU FOR LIKING THE FIC THANK YOU FOR COMMENTING ILU TOO

[(Anonymous)]

em i cannot fucking handle this fic oh my lord

ROMEO

help

my point is it's good

(this is anna i can't remember my password oops)

[sour-idealist.livejournal.com]

sdfkljlkdjf THANK YOU IT WAS FUN

Dave would have so little patience for Romeo holy shit. Hamlet too, and he's having doubts about Shakespeare and then he reads a usefully annotated Much Ado and hears ALL OF BEATRICE'S LINES IN ROSE'S VOICE and he laughs his ass off completely and is sold.

um

what I meant was THANK YOU I AM GLAD YOU LIKE IT