sour_idealist: (HS | laughs like steel unsheathing)
[personal profile] sour_idealist
Title: And Quite a Story to Tell
Fandom: Homestuck
Characters/Pairings: Dave/Jade, Rose, Kanaya, Karkat, Equius, Eridan [background Rose/Kanaya, Aradia/Equius]
Rating/Warnings: PG-13, discussions of sex, pesterlog-fic
Written for: [livejournal.com profile] digi_dragon's request, for a really ill-advised meme I did on Tumblr
Wordcount: 3,000
A/N: For the record, this takes place several years after the events of canon. Also, given how frankly torturous LJ was the last time I tried to post anything, screw it, I'm not coloring the text. Unapologetic fluff, as a break from a number of depressing WIPs that I swear will see the light of day at some point.

gardenGnostic [GG] opened memo on linear timeline board Notes On the Metaphorical Fridge.

GG: okay everyone we have a problem!!!
GG: the air filtration system i set up in the mansion isnt working anymore :(
CA: wwho the fuck cares
GG: well breathing is nice!!! we don’t all have gills you know >:(
GG: and you cant stay underwater all the time
TG: fuck off eridan
TG: but jade i dont know if you noticed
TG: were still breathing
EB: yeah, why do we even need that thing?
TT: It’s a safeguard.
TT: You recall the incident with the coal pollution earlier this year?
TT: We would have had a much more difficult time without Jade’s clever system in place.
GG: thanks rose!!!
GG: but it isnt that clever i guess
GG: im trying to figure out what happened but i think we might need new parts for it
GG: but i’ll fix it as fast as i can!!!!
GA: I Am Sure You Will
GA: But There Is No Need To Rush Too Much
GA: The Air Is Fine At Present And Will Likely Remain So
TG: now youve done it

--------

tentacleTherapist [TT] opened memo on linear timeline board Notes On the Metaphorical Fridge.

TT: Everyone, I have news regarding the explosion earlier.
TT: It seems we may owe Eridan an apology. He had nothing to do with it.
CA: i glubbin told you
GA: You Must Admit It Was A Safe Bet
CA: fuck

caligulasAquarium has signed out.

GA: Oh Dear
TT: I really don’t care about upsetting him on that topic.
TT: However, back to the matter at hand.
TT: There has evidently been some damage to the airborne-waste treatment pipes of the factory down the block.
TG: so
CG: SHE’S GETTING TO THAT, DIPSHIT.
TT: That is not helpful, Karkat.
TT: None of the chemicals being released are, technically speaking, harmful, so fixing it is a relatively low priority.
TT: Unfortunately, one of them does function as a fairly strong aphrodisiac to certain species, which are quite likely to include present company.
TG: are you fucking kidding me
EB: wait, what does that mean?
TG: an aphrodisiac is a thing that turns you on like fuck
TG: so were all gonna be walking around hard as a fucking rock all the time
TG: those of us who have dicks anyway
TT: Thank you for that delightfully graphic explanation, Dave.
TT: Although it is fairly accurate.
TT: All of us are most likely to be artificially aroused.
TT: We’ll probably begin feeling the effects within the next few hours.
EB: ……………………
CT: D - - > Fiddlesticks.
TG: when the fuck did you get here
CT: D - - > Just now.
CT: D -- > This will be difficult.
TT: And probably rather less pleasant than one would think.
TT: Everyone, please behave responsibly.
TT: Do nothing that you will regret when this wears off.
TT: Do not take advantage of the situation, either.
TT: This means you, Eridan, if you’ve signed back in yet.
CA: oh for mother glubbin fucks glubbing sake
GA: You Cannot Possibly Protest That That Was An Unjust Accusation
CA: come on kan
CA: cant catch a fuckin break for five minutes
GA: I Wonder Why
GA: Certainly We Have No Reason To Believe Less Than The Best Of You
CA: okay whatever
EB: okay, back on topic!
EB: so nobody do anything with anyone that you’re not already in a relationship with!
EB: or filling a quadrant with!
EB: this is an order as your friendleader!
CG: COSIGNED.
CG: AND DON’T START ANY NEW RELATIONSHIPS EITHER, FUCKWITS.
CG: UNLESS YOU’RE REALLY, REALLY CERTAIN.
CG: ANYONE WHO ASKS ME HOW TO GET OUT OF SOMETHING AFTER THE SEX POLLUTION GOES AWAY IS GETTING A PREEMPTIVE ORDER TO FUCK RIGHT OFF.
TT: Yes, thank you, Karkat, I believe that we have all grasped the point.
GA: Although His Advice Is Sound
GG: so um!!!
GG: do we know what caused this explosion?!?!
TT: Hello, Jade.
TT: Evidently an unidentified airborne object struck a particularly complicated bit of piping, cracking it, and somehow ignited some of the escaping gas.
TT: I’m not clear on the details.
CT: D - - > Was it by any chance a circular metal container about a foot across
CT: D -- > Propelled by rocketry and theoretically possible to steer by remote control
GG: equius!!!!
CT: D - - > But somewhat difficult to maneuver in practice
GG: stop talking!!!!!
TG: ………........
TT: Equius, do you by any chance know something you would like to share with the rest of us?
CT: D -- > Er
CT: D --> I have just been instructed to stop talking
GA: I Suggest You Do That
GA: In The Name Of Plausible Deniability
CG: YOU TWO ARE NOT ALLOWED ON THE ROOF ANYMORE.
EB: will that help?
GG: well……..
GG: we were flying it from the roof so :(
GG: but we were being careful!!!!!
CG: CLEARLY NOT CAREFUL ENOUGH.
CG: STAY OFF THE ROOF.
CG: ALSO NO MORE ROCKETS.
EB: cosigned!
EB: at least to the rockets.
EB: we’ll have to discuss the roof thing but go with it for now.
GG: :p
GG: fine
CT: D -- > We will comply with this restriction.
CT: D -- > And the restrictions on quadrants
TG: big sacrifice
TG: aradias banging the shit out of you all the time
CT: D -- > Please refrain from such 100d remarks about my matespirit
TG: whatever whatever
GG: can it okay guys!!!!!!
GG: but yeah we’ll stay off the roof
GG: D:
TT: Excellent.
TT: Hopefully we can all get through this inconvenience without anything else dramatic happening.

--------

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [TG] at 15:23

TG: hey harley
GG: hey coolkid!!!!!!
GG: hows it going?!
TG: decent i guess
TG: what about you
GG: still working on the filtration system
TG: still not running
GG: no :(
GG: im sorry
TG: oh yeah it is totally your fault you cant pull parts out of that cute little ass
TG: fuck
TG: pretend that last phrase didnt happen
TG: didnt mean to say it
GG: hee its okay!!!
GG: its so weird the way this stuff makes you look at things
GG: the other day i realized i was checking out equius
GG: so awkward!!!!
TG: ha thats great
TG: kinda figured you would be anyway though
GG: dave!!!! no!!!!
GG: hes very nice but not my type
GG: and also aradia would be really sad and nepeta would be really angry
GG: and just..........
GG: no
GG: so weird!!!!!
TG: okay okay
TG: point made
TG: so this whole thing is distracting for you too
GG: well of course!!!!!!!!
GG: it is really starting to piss me off >:[
GG: i need to be able to focus on the damn filtration system
GG: and its tricky!!!!! suddenly thinking about sex instead of gears is not helpful
GG: and also i feel like if im spending this much time being turned on and staring at engines then im going to imprint or something :/
TG: haha yeah
TG: i feel you
TG: hang up some pinup posters or something
TG: so its like something normal is making you horny
TG: wow this is a weird conversation
GG: haha yeah!!!!
GG: does this count as ironic? ;)
GG: but the thing is i dont want to make it any harder to focus and i dont want to end up just sitting there drooling
TG: yeah
TG: seriously i am just going to go kick some managers ass or something
TG: fix your fucking factory
GG: heehee i’ll help!!!!
GG: although i guess i dont really have the right to be mad since its sort of my fault :(
GG: but its just so frustrating
GG: i cant even sit comfortably or anything!!!!! >:[
TG: oh god you too
TG: same
GG: yeah!!!!!!!!
GG: ill just be halfway through replacing a circuit and then suddenly i realize im like humping my own leg
TG: ................................
GG: oh oops
GG: sorry
GG: too much information :(
TG: yeah a little
TG: uh
TG: its really that bad?
GG: well..................
GG: it is a filtration system dave
GG: and im working right next to the intake
GG: and i have to turn it on a lot to try and work out whats going on
TG: oh
TG: okay i see
GG: yeah :/
GG: so yes its really that bad
GG: dave?
TG: oh sorry i was just thinking
TG: uh
TG: like
TG: if you want i could
TG: give you a hand with that
GG: what the filtration system?
GG: um thank you but i dont think you know much about mechanics really so!!!!
TG: no the uh
TG: other thing
GG: what???
GG: oh
TG: yeah
TG: hand mouth whatever
TG: full set of anatomy at your disposal
TG: it doesnt have to be a big deal or anything
TG: just you know to make it easier to focus afterwards maybe
TG: i guess
TG: if you want
GG: um......................
GG: well
GG: dave
GG: i appreciate the offer
GG: but i dont really want to have sex with you just because its convenient!!!!
GG: like i get that you just meant to be nice
GG: but i am not a sex toy
GG: and you arent either
GG: and there is nothing wrong with casual sex but its not like were strangers
GG: and if i am going to have sex with you then i would really prefer that it was for more of a reason than that were both horny and were there!!!!!!
GG: like say that we actually liked each other like that
TG: shit
TG: look
GG: no dave its okay i am not mad
GG: like i said i know you just wanted to help
GG: but i just
GG: i have actually thought about this a lot since this started happening
TG: wait thought about this meaning what exactly
TG: like just taking the edge off with one of us
TG: or like
TG: me
GG: well :/
GG: that is a really awkward question
GG: i knew there was a pretty good chance that you would help me out if i went to you
GG: but i decided even before this that i didnt want to ruin things
GG: and that i would want it to mean something
GG: if it happened
GG: and i knew it wouldnt mean anything for you so
TG: what back up here
TG: do you mean that it would mean something for you
GG: .................
GG: um
GG: well :/
TG: jade
GG: its okay though i know you dont feel the same way
GG: and i know you were only trying to help!!!!!!!!!!!
GG: and i am sorry but i think i need to end this conversation now before i say anything |else| that i will regret saying!!! GG: so i will talk to you later
TG: jade wait

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gardenGnostic[GG]

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic[GG]

TG: dont sign off
TG: fuck fuck fuck
TG: why do i ever talk

--------

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] at 19:46

TG: so
TG: hey
GG: hey!!!!!
GG: whats up???
TG: not much
TG: just the usual i guess
TG: hiding out in kanayas room
GG: why????
TG: because its her fault i cant stay in mine
GG: why cant you stay in yours???
TG: jade do you remember where my room is
GG: oh!!!!!!!!!!
GG: yeah............
GG: that might be a little awkward!!!!!!
TG: you are so lucky not to know anything about your brothers sex life
TG: i swear to god
GG: hee yeah i am pretty glad about that!
GG: so
GG: yeah
TG: yeah
TG: so uh about earlier
GG: dave i really do not want to talk about that!!! :/
GG: cant we just talk like normal???
TG: sure
TG: definitely
TG: normal as tripping over somebodys shit in in the dark every goddamn night
GG: oooh very cool dave!!!! ;)
TG: did i say i was the one tripping on shit
TG: no
TG: maybe i can hear vantas losing his shit over whatever spiderbitch left lying around
TG: huh
GG: hee if you say so!!!
TG: but uh yeah anyway
TG: i actually wanted to show you something
GG: oooo what????
TG: its a song
GG: :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
TG: hey hey hey dont get too excited
TG: its just a song
GG: exactly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TG: okay whatever
TG: one sec lemme find the right version
TG: okay here we go
turntechGodhead [TG] sent gardenGnostic [GG] file “js-34-renderfuckyou.mp3”
TG: sorry bout the file name
TG: whatever upgrade sollux did means i cant change it without scrabbling everything
TG: so yeah
TG: are you listening to it
GG: yes!!!
GG: dave
GG: this is really beautiful
GG: i mean |really|
TG: aw shit Harley youre gonna make me blush
TG: but uh
TG: yeah
GG: it sounds like it was really tricky to make too!!!!
TG: eh
TG: been working on it for a while
GG: how long??
TG: three or four months i guess
GG: oh wow
TG: maybe idk
TG: i wanted to get it right
TG: dont quite have it yet but i
TG: thought it would be good to show it to you today
GG: im really glad you did :D
GG: i love it!!!!!!!!!
TG: good
TG: :)
GG: so does it have a name???
TG: yeah i guess
TG: been having some trouble with that actually
TG: tried a bunch of different ones
TG: i think i sort of accidentally named it anyway
TG: which what the fuck even
TG: but yeah that happened
TG: so i should probably go with that
GG: okay so come on what is it???
TG: Jade
GG: yeah im here
GG: did i say something wrong?
TG: no
TG: no you didnt say anything wrong
TG: and no im not just saying your name
TG: like
TG: thats what the name of the song is
TG: its “Jade”
GG: wait
GG: like
GG: me????
TG: no its an ode to a kind of rock
GG: oh
GG: :/
TG: jesus christ Harley
GG: i dont think i like this conversation mister!!!!!
GG: i cant tell which parts of this conversation are you being ironic and which aren’t
GG: you dont usually joke like this!!!!!
GG: why are you doing it now?!?!?!
TG: fucking hell jade im not joking
TG: the thing about the rock was sarcasm
TG: thats it
TG: congratulations its some fucking sincerity for once
TG: didnt even have to get me drunk for it
TG: because apparently im secretly a total idiot
GG: okay stop that!!!!!
GG: thank you dave
TG: for what
GG: um
GG: everything
GG: for telling me the truth
GG: for the song
GG: just
GG: did you really write this for me????
TG: jesus fuck harley take a goddamned hint
TG: duh
GG: what if i just want to hear you say it???
TG: then typing it would do jack shit wouldnt it
GG: okay so ill come talk to you then!!!!
GG: also i kind of want to thank you in person
TG: oh for fucks sake you dont need to thank me
GG: maybe i want to!!!!
GG: i really love the song dave
GG: like i really really do
GG: i would anyway but if it’s really about me then
GG: wow!!!!!!!
GG: okay now im headed upstairs to find you
TG: kay great
TG: uh
TG: you know everyone is going to assume were banging right
GG: dave
GG: i do not give a fuck what any of them think right now
GG: besides
GG: since
GG: i mean i assume this means you dont think of me as just a friend after all
TG: no shit
TG: i mean yeah i totally spend months writing love songs for all my regular bros here
GG: o_O!!!!
GG: okay so ill be there in a second
GG: <3

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG]

--------

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] at 09:26

GA: Dave
GA: I Cannot Believe I Am About To Ask This
GA: But
GA: With Apologies If I Am Incorrect
GA: Did You Have Sex In My Bed Last Night
TG: fuck off
TG: you were banging my sister through the wall and telling the whole street about it
GA: Yes But Dammit There Is A Roof
GA: There Are A Number Of Alleyways
GA: You Have Options Besides Someone Elses Bed
GA: Is The Point
TG: well you had options besides right next to my bedroom
GA: My Girlfriends Bedroom Is A Perfectly Acceptable Place To Have Sex
GA: Dear God Why Is This A Conversation I Am Having
TG: dont ask me you started it
TG: besides it was her idea

gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 09:32

GG: gee thanks for throwing me under the bus!!!!!
GG: so chivalrous dave!!! :p
TG: sorry
TG: but rose will call her girlfriend off for you so
GG: hee
GG: fair enough
GG: okay so i have to go pick up the damn extra parts!!!!!
TG: score excellent
TG: can you carry them
GG: theyre the size of a dinner plate dave!!
GG: and theres only three of them
TG: oh okay then
GG: so anyway ill be back after lunch
GG: love you!!!!
TG: same
GG: oh same real romantic there dave ;)
TG: hey i fucking serenaded you okay
TG: thats romantic as shit
GG: sure whatever romeo
GG: soooooo romantic :p
TG: no way romeo was a dick
TG: only even met juliet cause he was stalking some other chick
TG: and then he was like welp no shes hotter
GG: really?!?! well not romeo then!!!
TG: yup really
TG: but anyway fine whatever
TG: <3
TG: if its such a big deal
GG: oooo i feel doubly special now!!! ;)
TG: good
TG: so yeah
GG: <3
GG: see you later!!!!
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